Snogging Rory Williams
by Adriana Snow
Summary: "Listen to me, I am not snogging Rory Williams," River's face twisted up a bit, "I may be utterly shameless most of the time, but I draw the line here."


"So we have a yo-yo, a paper clip, some used tissues, and a tube of lipstick," the Doctor looked up at her over the pile of objects the Veil hadn't found on them.

"Don't look at me," River told him, "you're the one who comes up with mad plans to get us out of things."

"Well you could help for once," the Doctor mumbled under his breath.

"I'm sorry? What was that?" she asked. "It better have been: I'm sorry for getting you and I locked in a cell with an unconscious Amy."

The Doctor's eyes narrowed on her. "This was not my fault."

"Oh, please. I was doing fine until you blasted your way into the dining hall."

"I thought you were possessed. They tried to possess you and then you acted possessed."

"And now Rory is possessed."

"Yes, I've noticed." He went back to glaring at the objects in front of him. "If the door was on a molecular toggle mechanism…"

"Yes, but it's not," she groused, plopping down next to him. "So we're out of luck."

He didn't say anything, picking up her lipstick and turning it in his hands. "Wait, isn't this your hallucinogenic lipstick?"

"Well, yes, but…"

"Then just use it on the guard," he suggested.

"The only problem is," she pointed out, "the guard is Rory."

He looked at her in confusion. "So?" he asked. "It will still work on him even if he is possessed. We just drug him, get all of us back to the TARDIS where we have more tools, and then de-possess Rory and heal Amy."

"No."

"Why not?" he asked uncertain as to why she was being difficult.

"Because, in order to get the drug into his system, his mouth has to be open."

"And?"

"And in order to make someone open their mouth when you kiss them, you have to," she fidgeted a bit, "use tongue."

He paused for a moment taking in the strange way she was holding herself and the look of disgust on her face. "Why is this any different from every other time you used the lipstick?"

"Listen to me, I am not snogging Rory Williams," her face twisted up a bit, "I may be utterly shameless most of the time, but I draw the line here."

"Why? He's a perfectly attractive man." Thinking about her behavior, he tacked on, "I'm almost certain Amy won't mind. We'll have a laugh of it when we're all back on the TARDIS and not possessed."

"Well then, you can kiss him," River suggested.

The Doctor sputtered a bit. "You're being ridiculous."

"Not any more ridiculous than you are, love. You could kiss him just as easily as I could."

"But it's your lipstick and I'd probably end up drugging myself too and then you'd have to lug Amy, Rory, and I back to the TARDIS by yourself. Besides, I refuse to kiss any more Ponds."

She paused to look at him for a moment before a slightly hysterical giggle forced its way past her lips. His eyes widened in concern as she started to laugh. "I'm sorry," she said through her laughter, "It's just: this conversation."

"What am I missing?" he asked.

She waved him off, calming herself. "Spoilers. It's spoilers. Just know I'm not sticking my tongue down Rory's throat. That would be mortifying for everyone involved."

"Why?" he asked again. "What's so gross about Rory?"

"It's not that he himself is gross. It's just the combination of him and me," she made another face of disgust, "can't we just talk about something else?"

"Not unless you can think of a way other than using your lipstick on Rory to get out of here."

She made an annoyed sound. "I would die in this cell before tonging Rory."

The Doctor opened his mouth, ready to make the conversation a row when a groggy voice spoke up from the floor.

"What are you two fighting about now?" Amy murmured. Both of their eyes shot over to see Amy, her eyes still closed.

"Amy!" River enthused going over to her. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I've been thrown off a bridge," she replied. "What happened?"

"Well, Rory got possessed and now you need to kiss him."

"What?" she croaked, cracking open one eye before swiftly closing it.

The Doctor rolled his eyes and nudged her out of his way so he could get to Amy's side. "Ignore her." She glared at him. Goodness, how did he suddenly become the sensitive one? "You got knocked out. Can you sit up?"

"I can try," she told him and he moved to help her up. She opened her eyes and blinked a few times. "Everything is spinning a bit."

"You probably have a concussion. We'll get you all fixed up as soon as we get back to the TARDIS," River told her. She shoved her lipstick at Amy's face and she jerked back in surprise a bit. "Just put this on, snog you're husband, and we'll all get out of here."

Amy looked at The Doctor in confusion. "It's her hallucinogenic lipstick," he explained in a much calmer tone than River. "Rory got himself possessed and is guarding the door. All you have to do is put the lipstick on and make sure he gets some in his mouth."

"Why didn't River just do it?" she asked.

"It would have been awkward," River stated.

"I wouldn't have minded," Amy told her, "we could have antagonized Rory about it for weeks.

He could have sworn River's eye twitched a bit, but she smiled. "Well, it's all a mute point now that you're awake," she pointed out offering up the lipstick, which Amy took a bit bemused. River gave a little sigh of relief when Amy smeared the stuff over her lips. She ignored the odd look The Doctor gave her as Amy went up to the bars to talk to the Veil in Rory's body.

Even after they'd carried Amy and Rory back to the TARDIS (Amy had drugged herself along with Rory), fixed them both up, and tucked them into bed together, River still wouldn't tell him why she refused to kiss Rory.

(However, he did figure it out a few months later and laughed at her. A lot.)


End file.
